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Harry wanted a new suit so he bought
a nice piece of cloth and tried to find a good tailor.
The
first tailor he visited looked at the cloth, measured Harry, then told him
there was not enough cloth to make a suit.
Harry found this hard to accept, so he went to the tailor next door who measured both Harry and the cloth before announcing that there was enough cloth to make a three-pice suit.
A week later, Harry returned to collect his suit and noticed that the tailor's son was wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Puzzled, Harry asked: "How come you have been able to make a three-piece suit for me and trousers for your son when the chap next door could not even make a suit?"
"Simple," said the tailor. "The guy next door has two sons."
Harry found this hard to accept, so he went to the tailor next door who measured both Harry and the cloth before announcing that there was enough cloth to make a three-pice suit.
A week later, Harry returned to collect his suit and noticed that the tailor's son was wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Puzzled, Harry asked: "How come you have been able to make a three-piece suit for me and trousers for your son when the chap next door could not even make a suit?"
"Simple," said the tailor. "The guy next door has two sons."
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My
sister asked me to take off her clothes.
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said "Take
off my skirt" - I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes"
- I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra
and panties" and so I took them off.
Then she said to me: “I
don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again”!
**************************************
Q: What do you instantly
know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Two
engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
**************************************
Vacationing
in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be
identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for
the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The
men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy
even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark
glasses.
The
next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a
string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning
Fathers."
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The
blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the
convent."
**************************************
A lonely woman, aged 70,
decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that
read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On
the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door
to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled,
"Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She
raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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| Mouse over to see the story ! :-) |
My
lamp and me are bestfriends He was there through the dark times .
**************************************
A woman tried to board a bus but her
skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.
So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reacher behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.
Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.
She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reacher behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.
Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.
She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
**************************************
A man walked into a shoe shop and tried on a pair of shoes.
"How do you feel?" asked the sales assistant.
"A bit tight."
The assistant bend down to check the shoes and said: "Try pulling the tongue out."
"They thtill feelth a bith tighth."
"How do you feel?" asked the sales assistant.
"A bit tight."
The assistant bend down to check the shoes and said: "Try pulling the tongue out."
"They thtill feelth a bith tighth."
**************************************
A young man
went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realised he had forgotten
his swimming trunks.
Since there was nobody about, he decided to jump in naked. An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching.
He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at hi, he felt decidedly awkward.
One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."
The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking, do you?"
"Yes," she said. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
Since there was nobody about, he decided to jump in naked. An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching.
He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at hi, he felt decidedly awkward.
One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."
The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking, do you?"
"Yes," she said. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
**************************************
A wife said to her husband: "Darling, I need a new dress."
"What's wrong with the one you've got?" he said.
"Well, it's too long and, besides, the veil keeps getting in my eyes."
"What's wrong with the one you've got?" he said.
"Well, it's too long and, besides, the veil keeps getting in my eyes."
**************************************
A man said to his friend: "How come you're only wearing one glove? Did you
lose one?"
The friend said: "No, I found one."
The friend said: "No, I found one."
**************************************
A man walked into an army surplus store and asked if they had any camouflage
trousers.
"Yes, we have," replied the assistant, "but we can't find them!"
"Yes, we have," replied the assistant, "but we can't find them!"
**************************************
A man told his friend: "My wife only has two complaints: nothing to wear and
not enough closet space."
**************************************
Q: What do you get when
you cross a cow and a goat?
A: A coat!
A: A coat!
**************************************
Q: What does a cloud wear
under her raincoat?
A: Thunderwear!
A: Thunderwear!
**************************************
Q: Why did the leopard
wear a striped shirt?
A: So she wouldn't be spotted!
A: So she wouldn't be spotted!
**************************************
Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!
**************************************
I'm a girl!
Don't touch my hair, face, phone, or my boyfriend!
**************************************
Q: What do
you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: Why do
bears have fur coats?
A: Because they look silly wearing jackets!
A: Because they look silly wearing jackets!
A married
man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
Fun resources:
- enchantedlearning.com
- jokes4all.net
- jokes.ochristian.com
- jokideo.com
- jokes4us.com
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